All around me are signs. I need to live here. In my present.
What I have been doing, bit by bit, is pulling back. Not going to social functions. Not taking meals to people I think about all the time. Not joining in group activities which require meeting new people or deepening already loosely established relationships. Pulling away from all that is. Here. I keep searching in front of me, and comparing how much better things will be. There. But there isn't here yet. Here is here.
I have been to this same place before. Every time change occurs in my life, I start planning. Immediately. I feel a deep desire to know what will happen. I find comfort in well laid plans. Every time God has ripped my plans to shreds. It's actually predictable in its unpredictability. Never have things gone the way of my plans. So why, at this point, have I not learned to trust God? Why do I continue to plan and worry and fidget? It's exhausting trying to hold onto all the possibilities of the future and keep it organized and straight. It takes up an inordinate amount of time. Time that could be spent living. Right now.
Today, I decided to let go. I noticed details around me. I felt a cool breeze waft through my front door. I made funny faces through a glass at my five year old. I put away my plans. And guess what? During that play, that tickling of socks and reading of books, that napping and cuddling, I realized there was no room for worry. Instead there was only room for overflowing heart and joy and simple laughter. And that now. That here. It was healing.
So I am listening. I am living. I am choosing to give the there to God and invite Him to join me here. And I am guessing the there, well, it will probably go much smoother from here on.
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."